Friday, January 21, 2011

The Primer: Language Lessons or, How to Talk Like an Asshole

First lesson in ultra-"progressive" blogland - watch what you say and how you say it, buster!   And if they change the terms on you midstream, you'd better step lively and change along with them.   Because we aren't individuals, we're assorted groups, and each of those groups identify themselves and you'd better identify them the way they tell you to.  Because, bigot!   If you belong to more than one group, jackpot!  They call that "intersection" and if you have intersecting oppressions, everyone else had better sit down, shut up, and listen.   That includes people who may belong to that same group if they happen to step outside the progressive point of view - for example, Thomas Sowell and Clarence Thomas and Condi Rice are self-loathing sellouts to their respective sex/race/oppressed status.   They need to shut up and listen too, because they aren't real people.

Ok so terms.  Sometimes "black" is acceptable but sometimes you have to say "African-American".  You'll have to figure out when and how to use each.   Actually, SHUT UP.  If you're white, you don't know anything about it anyway.

"Gay" is usually OK but most of the time you have to use the new alphabet soup.   It has changed, you know.  First it was "gay" or "homosexual".   Then it was gay/lesbian.  Then it was GLB (Gay, Lesbian, Bi).   Then it became LGBT - Lesbian (women first because girl power!), Gay, Bi, Trans.   Now it is LGBTQI - Lesbian, Gay, Bi, Trans, Queer, Intersex.

In order not to be labeled "heteronormative" you must now use the term "cis-gendered" or "cis" for short, meaning that you are not transsexual.   Transsexual itself has become very complicated for us cis-folk, too, because it is no longer a requirement that someone undergo hormone treatments or have any surgery to change their sex.  You can physically be a man with a beard and a functional penis/testicles who takes no hormones and doesn't have breast implants and dresses in men's clothes but if you say you're a woman, then you're a woman and everyone better refer to you as such or else.   You can be a physical woman with breasts and periods who wears makeup and dresses but if you say you're a man, you're a man and you'd better be referred to as such or else.   Heaven help the establishment that tries to make you use the gender-specific bathroom that you seem to belong to because the only thing that matters is what you have decided you are.   The discriminatory practices such as not letting you change your sex identity on your driver's license because you haven't physically changed your sex in any way are just examples of bigotry, heteronormatism, and the oppressive patriarchy.

If you are a male you are probably a rapist.   Rape is defined as whatever a woman says it is.  Women NEVER lie.

In the case of writing/referring to people, you must use gender-neutral terms.   He/she has now been replaced by "zie" and his/her has been replaced with "hir".   Careful; it's very easy to slip back into he, his, she, hers.   If you slip you might be a patriarchal oppressor.

The intersection of dominating structures of oppression (patriarchy, racism, ableism, looksism) is now referred to as the "kyriarchy".  And brother, once you start hearing these oppression stories, you'll realize what a wonderland of kyriarchy we really live in.  You might not even know you're being oppressed this very minute!  But you probably are.   So listen carefully.

Avoid any language which might imply that someone is crazy or mentally ill - you say "neuro-atypical" now.

Avoid any language that smacks of ableism (oppression of those who are mentally or physically "disabled"; itself a derogatory term), patriarchicalism, racism, looksism (whether you say someone is beautiful or ugly; both are equally oppressive) or any other ism you might be able to think of.   We'll come across more as we go.   For example the period after the election known as the "lame-duck" session?  Derogatory disablism plus waterfowl.   Must find new term.

If you think I'm making any of this up, more power to you.   I wish to hell I was.   Can you imagine living in such a world?   It must be the most depressing fucking place you could imagine, right?  Where everyone and everything is just that bad, and every word anyone speaks is out to get you?   Where writing a blog for assorted misfits is your actual livelihood, that which you depend on for your daily bread?   And because you do it, you think you are providing the most valuable service imaginable?   To be honest it looks more to me like *exploiting* those people by depending on their donations from their own poverty-stricken pockets, but what do I know?  I'm just a taxpayer so I'm the enemy.

Welcome, Noobs

This is just a little fun project I started because I came across a couple really good shreds the other day, and thought - "You know, I read a whole lot of CRAP online, too, and I could just as easily shred it to pieces as anyone else."  Ok, so it's vampiristic, but vampires are cool, no?  Except when they sparkle.  So rule #1, no sparkly vampires.

So what exactly am I going to shred and who exactly might enjoy a blog like this?

Well, if you're from the DU or DailyKOS or some uber-feminist blog, you aren't going to like this one.  Just skip on by and find something more to your taste.  At first I'm going to focus on a particular site because it's just so chock full of extremist leftiness and feministiness and Political Correctiness that I could probably just spend years doing nothing else and never have to look elsewhere for entertainment.  Maybe I'll branch out a bit when I get bored of that, but they come up with such great stuff to rip apart that maybe I won't.

What are you, a racist Nazi far-right extremist violent rhetoric spewer?

Well, thanks for asking, but alas, no.  In fact, if you're a hard-line lefty, I'm something worse - a Tea Partier.  (For the KOStards and Olberdouche fans, that's "teabagger".)  If you are too, you already know what it means and if you don't, you'll figure it out.   Social and fiscal libertarianism, pretty much.   Slaying the government behemoth.  Yes, I said slaying!

Doesn't that make you just like Jared Loughner?

Why, I guess it does!  Except without the shooting.  Or the voices in my head. 

You're against drug prohibition - you just want to get stoned legally, right?

Doesn't everyone?  Actually no, I don't do drugs unless they're prescribed or bought at the liquor store counter, but the War on Drugs is a bigger failure than the War on Poverty, costs as much, and does more harm.

You just want to keep the money you earn and stop paying it out in taxes to the enormous government, right?  Because you're a greedy racist right?

If you don't want to keep the money you earn, leave me a brief message in comments and I'll hook you up with my paypal account - I'll be happy to relieve you of the burden of that money.   And you can do this no matter what color, nationality, or religion you belong to, that's the beauty of it!   I just don't discriminate!

What's this about feminism?  Is it internalized misogyny?

Yes...alas, I hate my lady bits and all they stand for, thus I hate yours too.  I might even be a misandrist because I hate male feminists more than female ones.

Whoah, hate?  Isn't that a strong word?


So who else won't like it here?

If you think Paul Krugman is an economist?  You probably won't like this.

If you think a government controlled economy is not socialism?  You probably won't like this.

If you think government is the answer and not the problem?  You probably won't like this.

If the words "I'm from the government and I'm here to help" don't strike any fear in your heart, you probably won't like this.

If you use the term "trickle-down"?  You probably won't like this.

If you have a problem with an armed citizenry?  You probably won't like this.

If you think Sarah Palin is to blame for all the ills in Western Civilization including Aztec blood rituals and the Giffords shooting?  You probably won't like this.

If you think Keith Olberman is (or WAS now that he's gone HAHA!) a reporter?  You probably won't like this.

If you carried around a Kill Bush/Fuck Bush sign for 8 years?  You probably won't like this.

If you think that George Bush was too stupid to find his way out of a paper bag but masterminded 9/11, called down hurricane Katrina with his mighty power and simultaneously ignited depth charges under the levees to kill black people?  You probably won't like this.

If you voted for Obama and don't realize you made the direst mistake of your life?  Fuck off.

Now let ME ask something - can we start shredding now?  This is getting boring.  For 30 years have I watched leftist hatred - originally from the left myself and later from the right, and now from somewhere outside both.   I've watched it bloom, I've watched it bring forth new plants, I've watched it grow to behemoth proportions and I've watched it make every possible attempt to SHUT UP anyone who would dare try to interfere with its "narrative".   Then a funny thing happened - radio stations started carrying these weird people who had a completely different viewpoint and they could explain it rationally.   This cable news channel started showing views of the news that were different from Walter Cronkite's and Jimmy Breslin's (hey, I like Jimmy) and the same view I'd been fed all my life.   Around that same time this little thing called the information superhighway started coming into our homes and we could hook up with people and information from all around the world in minutes, and some of THEM were different too.   You could really say what you wanted and not be shouted down or shut out - the worst they could do was ignore you.   And the conversation has now changed forever.   Or at least until the FCC brings on the "Net Nannytrality" and the "unFairness Doctrine" and they/we all have to shut up again.   But today isn't that day, is it?  Let's make hay while the sun shines, shall we?

I shall brave the cesspools of leftist hatred for you and bring you back turds that I shall then fashion into gems before your eyes.  Or at least I'll mock the shit out of them.   There shall be f-bombs.   There shall be offensive terms.   There shall be hyperbole and metaphor and rhetoric.   I hope there shall be laughs.   The best thing to do to evil is to laugh at it; the devil can not stand to be mocked.  So for those about to mock, I salute you.