Saturday, April 16, 2011

Your WTF Moment of the Day

On All Things Considered, NPR just aired an interesting interview with Third Way senior fellow David Kendell, where the latter explained why he thinks the IRS should issue receipts that show how much of your income, Social Security, and Medicare taxes the federal government spends on various programs. It's a cute idea. However, I've got a couple of tweaks:

Yes, I'm sure you do.

2) I don't really care that I paid 46 cents to fund the Corporation for Public Broadcasting. What I want to know is how much you paid to fund the CPB. So each year, it'd be cool if I got someone else's receipt.

What. the. HELL?

Do these people make sense to themselves? Like in their own minds, when he replays this suggestion over, does he say "Oh, wow, that's completely insane!" or does he honestly say, "Yeah, that's a great idea! Why don't they do it?"

Let's find some funny comments -

My new friend, who I thought was awesome, triggered me last night in a very physical way and then refused to apologise, claiming I was overreacting. I'm hoping it was the alcohol, that he realizes his mistake, and that we can still be friends., couldn't possibly be! Kick 'im to the curb!

I had a coworker tell me he liked intentionally pissing me off (he's just oh so charming), and another (male) coworker order me to "smile". Um, no thank you, ass, I will frown and be grumpy all I like.

Well, it IS fun to intentionally piss off feminists. For one thing it's super easy; all you have to do is tell them to "smile". That's always good for a kick in the 'nads.

I want to get to work on a story that's a remix of one my roommate just wrote, because the one who's NOT her viewpoint character started pestering me VERY LOUDLY in my head at work today, explaining how he was VERY CONCERNED about his friend when he was in that melancholy mood, and telling me how he reacted to that letter and especially to the worries about "against the laws of God and man" that unfortunately gave me an earworm, and how it was going to be all better just like the way my friend's story ended, but he NEEDS TO TELL HIS SIDE.

I...whoah. :/ I think they have medication for that now.

Ya, it's a bummer- cost of materials for beer has gone up significantly in the last few years. I remember back when a 22oz bottle of Ruination was $3.

Ok. I remember when a pack of smokes was 75 cents. ($8 and climbing now.) And a case of Bud was what, 6 bucks? Good luck on the ruination though. Uh, yep.

(re: Atlas Shrugged) I kid, I kid. I did laugh really hard when I noticed that the critics at Fandango gave it a 26 out of 100 and fans gave it a 4.2/5. That wasn't influenced by ideology at all, nope, no way! Those movie critics are just elitist Hollywood liberals!

So the fans are influenced by ideology (why shouldn't they be? This on a site that analyzes every nuance of every movie poster for possible misogyny or rape allusions) and the critics...aren't? I want some of whatever you're drinking. Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters?

And a lot of talk about fanfic (in insider language - we're so awesome!) Isn't that pretty much just crappy porn of every character boning every other character in every conceivable pairing?

Some creepy asshole at Whole Foods said "hi" to me while I was picking out my berries. I didn't give him the death eyes, but I did stare straight ahead with the death expression cranked up to max and I'm sure he saw.

See? I told you it's fun to piss off feminists - just say "hi." Just exist. Do not make eye contact. Do not speak or attempt to feed the animals. In fact, get out of our world, will you?

And one of the things that comes up when deciding whether there is a such a thing as a feminine/ist film aesthetic, is that it probably includes some very close close-ups.

Wasn't someone just bitching about movies being judged by ideology?

And finally, one person who for $3.50 will send you a personal written letter about any topic of your choosing - such as stories about her life, her opinions on stuff, whatever. Lots of doodles and such on the margins and envelope! Free shipping! Guaranteed at least a page long!

Well, I can't hardly wait for that.

Friday, April 15, 2011

Trigger Warning!

Idiocy ahead.

Appropriate and necessary use of the word rape: To describe what has happened to someone who has been forced or coerced into a sex act.

Inappropriate and unnecessary use of the word rape: To describe what has "been done to you" by the IRS and/or US Government by requiring you to pay taxes.

1  /reɪp/ Show Spelled [reyp] Show IPA noun, verb, raped, rap·ing.
1.the unlawful compelling of a woman through physical force or duress to have sexual intercourse.

(So, the forcible sodomy of a man in prison - of which there are about 200 times that of rape against women in any given year - isn't rape. Only women can be raped. Rape is whatever a woman says it is. Women NEVER lie. Remember, that was from our primer.)

2.any act of sexual intercourse that is forced upon a person.
3.statutory rape. act of plunder, violent seizure, or abuse; despoliation; violation: the rape of the countryside.

5.Archaic . the act of seizing and carrying off by force.
–verb (used with object)

DING! DING! DING! force to have sexual intercourse. plunder (a place); despoil. seize, take, or carry off by force.
–verb (used without object)

DING! DING! DING! commit rape.

And this is just What if I used a GOOD dictionary?

Somebody's a dingaling. I like this new dinging; makes shredding a bit easier.

Ding-Dong Dingbats

I really don't need to shred it; it's so stupid. But this site "Crooks and Liars" has video up of Michele Bachmann and while I'm not necessarily endorsing her particularly (I've heard from people who know her that she may not be what she's presenting herself to be so we'll see) what she actually *says* is usually spot on. Such was the case with this. They ring a bell every time she says something "discredited" or otherwise wrong. (I don't think they like the word "wrong".)

We'll sound the bell every time she floats a discredited idea. Ready?

Raising taxes for the wealthy shouldn't be "on the table," says Bachmann, because "tax rates are high enough (ding!), and history shows (ding!) that when we raise taxes, particularly on job creators (ding!) we actually bring in less revenue (ding! ding! ding!) rather than more."

Yep. Dingbats. Just change the word "discredited" to "completely factual, accurate and true" and we have a winner. Ding ding ding!

They go on:

And the history of the Great Depression shows that it took government investment to get people working and the economy growing. FDR listened to the Bachmannites of his time in the late 1930's, and everything started falling apart again. That's what history shows.

Ding ding ding! Loser gets 4 free passes to "Atlas Shrugged".

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

A Twofer - I LOL'd!

And I didn't even have to crawl through sewage to get them! The first comes via They are a media watchdog group and they sort through Daily KOS so yours truly doesn't have to forever pull her hair out to find decent nuggets to rip apart.

A blogger who calls herself Barbwire wrote a piece about how much of an extreme right-winger Obama really is. Yes, I said right-winger. This is the bottom-feeding level, these are the people who turned on the guy the minute he uttered the word "compromise" and declared he was no longer their president. These are the people who ten minutes after Loughner shot 12 people started screaming "Mission accomplished, Sarah Palin!" while the rest of us were praying. Oh, I tell you, they thought they had it made in the shade with this commie Muslin. And of course they pretty much do; I mean it's taking an awful long time for the new majority to UNDO any of the damage he's done already, no? Haven't seen Obamacare repealed yet, have you? The tax compromise was just a little tap on the nose with a newspaper to housebreak the puppy as he happily piddled all over the house; I said then that when the real changes and cuts started to happen they were going to truly lose their shit. As usual, I was correct.

Barbie sez,
Progressive sage Howard Zinn once said you can't be neutral on a moving train. In this case, Obama can't be neutral and nonpartisan on a train that's speeding so far to the right, to the crazy and ridiculous tea party way of seeing government, that there is no Democratic turf left to fight on. By clinging to his pose of wise man in the middle -- a feint that is no doubt much beloved by his corporate and Wall Street donors -- he has been dragged into territory that only a few years ago was considered corrupt, anti-Democratic and bordering on fascism...

...Obama has been pivotal in moving the dialogue into right-wing territory as the primary frame, as the place where the pseudo-battles take place, as the turf where the two corporate-funded parties will now conduct their kabuki...

Obama has now come out -- at least to observers willing to emerge from denial -- as One of Them. He is now firmly in the privatizer-deficit hawk-eternal war-Wall Street pinball machine pusher camp, and there is no going back. And he has the perfect reptilian-brain scare tactic excuse to convince people he's out to snooker to vote for him again. After all, he's not as crazy as those other candidates, is he?...

Oh noes! The corporate donors love him? YOU SAID CORPORATE! Don't you know that's a 4-letter word!? C - I - L - L the corporations. And don't you worry snookums, he's every bit as crazy as those other candidates, never fear!

And what the hell is kabuki? It isn't like bukkake is it? I ain't looking.

Also, what is a pinball machine pusher? Is it modern? Is it like Elton John in Tommy? You're just taking a piss on me right?

More and more, I have to admit that I agree with a lot of what Chris Hedges has to say. As in,

"We must view the corporate capitalists who have seized control of our money, our food, our energy, our education, our press, our health care system and our governance as mortal enemies to be vanquished ... Only a revolution can save us now."

Say, you know something Barbie? We DO agree on something! It may indeed take a revolution to stop the government swine who have seized control of our entire economy and system of society. This one's for you, Barbie, wherever you are!

If that doesn't cheer you up, I fear for your immortal soul. Oh, you don't have one? Nevermind.

I told you this was a Twofer; so here's part Two! Via Moonbattery, another watchdog group, this is what the radical feminist site "feministing" has to say. Now this gets a tad complicated, because there are different kinds of feminists. Feministing is specifically for young third-wave feminists; they differ from the older second-wave feminists in that they accept men who have transitioned into women and they even accept men (preferably gay men or former women or women who just claim to be men even though they don't undergo surgery or take hormones and still have sex with men...traditionally known as "women"). These are the third-wavers so anything goes, buster! Which means you get posts like this from Jessica Valenti -
Cause, the thing is, it's not just women that have abortions

Trans men have abortions. Gender queer people have abortions. Two spirit people have abortions. People who do not fit into the box of 'woman' have abortions.

This is the reality we live in, and the more we pretend otherwise, the more dangerous it is for other people, and the more they are excluded by the movement.

The second-waver would scoff and say "Oh the poor widdwe menz! Patriarchy hurts them too! Well get your own movement you filthy MAN you!" Third-wavers insist
Gender is this thing that we construct out of a million different characteristics. The way we hold our hands. The length of our hair. The shape of our face. What we wear. Our voices. But then, for some reason, when we got to the question of what is it really, we go to what lives between your legs. Even though that's not how we make gender and that's not how gender works. It's in that assumption that gender lives in our crotches, that we end up erasing the reality that men can have abortions, men can get pregnant and give birth.

Honey if something is living between your legs you might want to have it looked at.

And since Moonbattery pre-shredded it for me I'll let them have the last word:
Unfortunately it's painful when we give birth to unicorns. But it's worth it because they look so pretty with their paisley fur.

The technical term for Feministing's brand of moonbattery is psychosis.

Ahhh...yes solid food is nice but sometimes pre-chewed Charlie's is just the thing. Thanks, Moonbattery!

Nancy the Nincompoop

Pelousy that is. I don't really have to comment but one short sentence to this; it's craptastic comedy all by its lonesome.

"To my Republican friends: take back your party. So that it doesn’t matter so much who wins the election, because we have shared values about the education of our children, the growth of our economy, how we defend our country, our security and civil liberties, how we respect our seniors. Because there are so many things at risk right now -- perhaps in another question I'll go into them, if you want. But the fact is that elections shouldn't matter as much as they do...But when it comes to a place where there doesn't seem to be shared values then that can be problematic for the country, as I think you can see right now."

Nancy, thou art withered like an old apple-john...pssst...WE DON'T SHARE YOUR VALUES!

Behar the Bitch

Well now for something a little different...a loudmouthed leftist bitch...oh, wait. That's not different at all is it? Let's shred her latest vomitus - this will only take a moment since she's so stupid she barely comes out with a coherent thought at a time. And this time it's not about feminism, yay! Got this from NewsBusters.

"It’s ironic, though, because poor white people, poor black people are the ones who are oppressed by the right wing in this country, but they don’t seem to get that. They vote against their own interests all the time."

Oh REALLY, Joyless? Is THAT how it works, you cotton-headed ninnymuggins?

Let me break it down for you, you stupid jackass.  See, if you read classical literature you might be familiar with a book called "Little Women." I am. (Wait, you're the one who thought C. S. Lewis was a children's probably couldn't make it past chapter one.) One thing that struck me was when Amy married the rich young Laurence and they both wanted to do some good in the world, so they were discussing what they could do. He made a rather surprising (yet true) statement; that outright beggars get taken care of; the ones who struggle are gentlemen/women trying to get a start in life via education and beginning business, or otherwise using and developing their talents. Starving young artists, garage bands, you know. People too proud to take charity but who dearly need it.

See, it was true then and it's true now - the POOR get taken care of. They get SSDI and food stamps and section 8 housing and welfare and AFDC and Medicaid, and Low Income Heating Energy Assistance, and water bill assistance and cell phones (I don't have a cell phone) and even, yes, alms. There are people fighting as we speak to make the internet and cable tv a civil right for the poor. The hipster street kids who do it for fun will tell you they take in a good $300 a day in their paper cups. I make that in a week. Almost makes you want to become a beggar.

You know who gets hit first when the LEFT is in charge? The lower middle class; the people living paycheck to paycheck just to barely make their bills (and I'm not talking about extravagances, either - shelter, food, heat, water, electricity - those little trifles.) See, they don't have a safety net (unless you count the temporary unemployment they get when they lose their jobs...that is only a little more than half what they were making before, so they now can not make their bills anymore and have to sacrifice things one. by. one. First they give up cable tv, then they give up the cell phone, then they give up the internet, then maybe even the phone...then things start getting shut off and the shutoff notices start coming and so do the foreclosure notices.)

There's nowhere to go because the economy is dried up; the poor still get their entitlement money and benefits but where do the working class go when their jobs are gone? And still the IRS comes after them for back taxes, as though they have the means now to pay them. Still we have to fund those who are living more comfortably than we are and doing nothing. Hah, we lived in a duplex with a family who were section 8; they had 3 cars, cell phones, cable tv, everything they wanted pretty much. Meanwhile we were fighting to make the rent and keep a single 20 year old car running at all. Don't cry your bullshit about the poor to me; the poor here aren't poor. See, if you're talking about the homeless (which does not equal poor) that's your fault too; you know why? Most of them are mentally ill and they USED to be housed in asylums and taken care of; then Geraldo discovered Willoughbrook (and I had been there - yes it was a nightmare but it wasn't typical) and you people started demanding we CLOSE the asylums. So now those sick people have nowhere to go but the street, do they? Your fault.

We don't vote against our interests; we aren't idiots and you do NOT know what is best for us. We vote to save our businesses and jobs, you burly-boned swag-bellied nut-hook, not to institute a nanny state.

Leftist (yes socialist) economics and ideology is the greatest cause of human suffering and misery on this planet, you foul defacer of God's handiwork! Now my caluminous weather-bitten canker-blossom, put THAT in your crack pipe and smoke it. And. shut. the. hell. up.

Well, that felt good but it wasn't funny at all. Even with the bard's help.

Hope I'm not losing my touch.  Now, I'm going to go watch Teeth about a girl with vagina dentata which is supposed to be very funny (I'm doubtful but who knows?) and my friends, when they tell you NOT to google "blue waffle" they are absolutely serious. DO NOT EVER GOOGLE THAT. I'm not kidding. You'll never, ever unsee it. Namaste, bitchez!

Not Much...

I haven't been in the mood to sift through the muck and mire to find shred-worthy shit for you nice folks, because to be honest, it is depressing sometimes.  I tried one feminist blog and it was all anti-Christian/pro-abortion stuff and vegan recipes.  Because, you know, it's mean to kill animals.  Or something.   I have little tolerance for anti-Christian/anti-theist ideology and this blog is supposed to be fun, so we're not going to talk much about killing babies.  The other one was all about how Obama is really right-wing, reminiscent of Reagan for heaven's sake, and that's too dumb for even me to sit there and read about.  It's a little like being Andy Dufresne in Rita Hayworth and the Shawshank Redemption, crawling through half a mile of sewage to break out of the hell he was in.  I'm not even going to look at what KOS has to say.  Perhaps tomorrow I'll brave one particularly looney blog because with that one the comedy just writes itself.  The woman is plain batshit.  Every word is dripping with insanity, kind of like Roseanne Barr's blog except about politics.   (If you've never read Roseanne's blog, give it a whirl; there's always something funny - lunatic-funny, that is - on that one.)  So, for your entertainment I present to you a classic Bill Whittle video - he's funnier and smarter than me anyway, and he shreds bullshit with nary a swear word to be found.  In other words, he is a master shredder.   A sensei, perhaps.   I'd like to be like him when I grow up.  Assuming I ever do.

Saturday, April 2, 2011

Guest Blog Posts Welcome...

If you happen to have read something totally shred-worthy and you think you can make me giggle, I'd love guest submissions.   Just drop me an email at with your entry in it (I like a picture on top of each post, but if you can't think of one I'll do it) and I'll throw it up on the board and see who salutes.  Just remember to REALLY shred that thing; dig in your teeth and rip it to bits.   Always keeping humor on the front burner of course; this place is supposed to be fun!

And if you want me to keep it anonymous, that's no problem either.  Just let me know in the email.

This is What Democracy Looks Like...apparently (TRIGGER WARNING! Feminists Ahead!)

Hey, I didn't title it, she did.  Except for the warning; that was my own.

"Yesterday was Women's Health Care Day at the capitol (of Oregon), sponsored by Planned Parenthood Advocates of Oregon. People came from all over the state to lobby their respective state legislators on a few particular issues facing the current Oregon legislature."

#1 This is not a democracy.

#2 Just what Oregon needs - a bunch of whiny bitches with skinned knees showing up bugging them all fucking day.  I'm sure they were thrilled to see y'all coming up the steps.  Especially en masse, because there's nothing more pleasant than a large bunch of PP activist feminist chicks running their damned mouths.  Everybody  needs more of that.  People especially like it when you run your mouths at top volume, so feel free to yell and swear.

Well I'm not looking it up right now but there was another post that just had me laughing my ass off over there, in fact; it was just when I started this blog and I've been meaning to shred it.   But I don't need to bring the funny because it's self-evident in this one.

See, this one "woman"  (hey, it's hard to tell over there) described this problem she was having with ants.   In her rented house.   Every time she went in to brush her teeth the sink was full of ants.   So she started poisoning them, except one day she saw just one little ant come up, and he was just so cute and cuddly and friendly she couldn't find it in herself to poison the little feller.   So she stopped with the poison and decided - and I'm not kidding - to just TALK to the ants.   You just can't make this stuff up.  Talking to the ants.   Everyone knows an ant can't move a rubber tree plant.   She talks to them even when she's washing them down the drain...heheh.   Oh to be a fly on the wall.   (I guess she'd talk to me too, then, so nevermind.)   So she starts asking them what it is about the sink that they love so much and why they're now infesting the floor and other parts of the bathroom (because you took away the poison?  Just a guess.)  

Then one day, the ants decided to show up on her computer desk instead.  Now this was just REALLY too much for one feminist to handle - so she told those ants in no uncertain terms that they were NOT to bother her computer table anymore, to find somewhere else to congregate.   Um, I think they listened because next thing she knew they were back in the sink.   She's festering a nice big old colony there, ain't she?   No wonder WisCon had to bring out a hazmat team to fumigate after the convention full of feminists and fatties.   (If you ever look at Encyclopedia Dramatica, look up WisCon to see the hilarious antics.   And I'm not kidding about the HazMat team, either - one of the chicks didn't wash her hands after contaminating them with her filthy feces, it got on the food and the whole hotel full of fat feminist chicks and unicorn-loving effete "men" got deathly ill.  When they left the entire place had to be fumigated and cleared of the cholera these friendly souls brought with them.)   I mean, the person who gets this rental house next is gonna have a hell of a time getting rid of this growing colony of ants festering away in the walls...and everywhere else.

I wonder if she's ever heard of the Argentinian ants and how they're destroying entire ecosystems?  I mean, they're using US to travel on and it's one giant "global mega-colony" - as proven by the fact that they're on 6 continents (only one of which they belong on) and they're ALL the SAME COLONY.   They're eating up other species' food - salamanders, newts - all dying because of these freaking Argentinian ants.   Coming soon to a continent near you.   Also, poison doesn't kill them; it just pisses them off.   So good luck with that.  I kind of hope that's what she's got, because that would be hilarious.   Eagerly awaiting further news on this one.   Did the little ant with high hopes make it?  Will they carry off all the cats I'm sure she owns?   Will the salamanders disappear?   Tune in tomorrow on As The World Turns...