I'm going to try something different - let's laugh at Michelle Obama, the First Orangutan. I normally don't bother about people's "looks" but since they're parading her all over the place as a fashion example instead of a fashion victim, it's time. I mean, this wacko seldom looks much better than your average "decorator crab" (decorator crabs grab garbage and other flotsam off the ocean floor and stick it on their shells for ambience - they're like walking Sanford and Son shops. So is Michelle O.)
I came across THIS (http://www.damnlol.com/pics/633/70888c59aac0f033805a3190dd76e2cf.jpg Michelle Obama's Latest Looks) and felt fairly horrified. What in hell are they trying to do to me? Why are we paying millions of dollars per year to make this woman look "good" when she looks like the back of a junkie's car after an unfortunate one-night stand most of the time? And how can I make this even funnier? Well, here's a shitload of pictures and my personal commentary on them; best I can do. Do keep in mind that there ARE fashion dos and don'ts for any body type - Michelle's rather unappealing look could easily be taken into account when clothing her - a bit of cover for the arms, a certain kind of cut that flatters her, etc. No one is doing this. In fact, I theorize that someone is going out of their way to make her look as hideous as possible, while telling her (and US) all the while how great she looks.
I had a dress like that when I was 12. Oh, not that color, but that cheap material and stupid type of pattern. It doesn't age well.
She...well I guess she thinks that's "fancy". Nothing says fancy like a sleeveless stretch-top and ugly skirt.
I used to wear boots like that. In 1976. With my GAUCHOS. (I know the year because they only LASTED one year before they were *out*)
Hehe, yep, just like that.
You couldn't have picked a lovelier pair of pants or a better, more classy position by which to showcase bulging thighs. No, I'm not looking at the arms; you can't make me!
Ok, this is a little more like. Big flowing pants and the mid-heel pumps suit her, as does the jacket. Well, the jacket WOULD if she weren't absolutely married to the idea that tops must be AS SMALL AS POSSIBLE. Make it more like the coat Neo wore to storm the building with Trinity in the Matrix and it would be perfect. Of course you could make it a burqa and call it a day.
Her fashion advisers must have believed in whatever cause she was here touting, as this is the best I've seen her look. Simple and suited to her "flaws", she looks as good as she gets this time.
Well, you can't go wrong buried in a graduation gown, hidden behind a podium, and eclipsed by a big old University logo. Well done.
Also well done - nice pattern and cut (even if it does demonstrate her weird affinity for sleevelessness despite her arms) and they even fixed her hair and face a bit.
Which leads one to wonder why they would spotlight a trashy housedress (which is good enough for the White House, apparently) as a "look". Mrs. O has apparently just rolled out of bed, judging from the hair and the ugly nightie.
Let's Move! You first, Michelle.
This is the first in a trend that really upsets me - the puke-yellow color that seems to be her signature. Puke-yellow and no sleeves is her motto, and she's sticking to it!
More yellow, no sleeves. Told you.
She also appears to be about 6 months pregnant, but let's hope there is no such news and someone just gave her an unfortunately cut gown.
At second glance, the outfit isn't too bad. We have some sleeves, albeit short, and altogether it works ok.
At first glance, more yellow and again with the horrifying pose. Why does she DO that?
When in a photo op with Saturday Night Live alum, be sure to do an oddly curly "do" and minimize the breasts to look as flat-chested as possible, even if you aren't. By NO means wear any sleeves. Sleeves are teh debil.
Yikes! Ok ok, back to the ugly patterns! I'm sorry I suggested otherwise! No one wants to have nightmares about that scary face. (And what did they do to her hair??)
When wearing a cheap polyester with oversized patterns, use a cute little sweater cover-up. Because tight tops are all she knows - a flowing top or coverup would be unthinkable.
Pair with shoes that don't actually fit, because *everyone* wants to see your hammertoes. Especially when eating.
A threefer. She looks good here, but that could be deceptive - I mean, it's another cheap polyester with a tacky pattern, but she's also sitting next to the chicken-armed-and-legged man and the hambeast, so it could be an optical illusion.
She finally takes the advice about a nicely cut, flowing jacket, but it's in the baby-shit yellow yet again. Because you can never have too much diaper-shit colored fabric when that's your signature color.
Be sure the tacky rose-patterned shirt doesn't match for extra whallop.
Don't cry for me, Argentina! Well, ok, but I'm choking up already.
Evita Peron if she had no sense of color. And no sleeves. Again.
Are those her daughters? Who is dressing them like her? Polyester, patterns, no sleeves on either one. Why?
Sleeveless diaper-shit again. Muppets distract the eye from the hideous color scheme above, and make it seem almost sane. Being bizarrely colored themselves.
I like this one even though one side is manditorily sleeveless. It's got an interesting cut, the pattern isn't too loud, and they fixed her hair and eyes well. Which of course leaves us to see that startling underbite and oversized jaw/teeth. Hey, nobody's perfect.
Yep, I thought so. Her handlers/fashion consultants must have liked this cause - two good looks in a row? Not a coincidence.
Yeah I like to wear burlap car coats and stand next to Jessica Simpson too.
So...the basket is to take our attention off the dress and sweater that don't remotely match and would be ugly all by themselves anyway? What's that in the basket? It looks like receiving blankets. Why would you wear such an ugly dress to give out receiving blankets? And why pair it with something that clashes with it, making you see even MORE how ugly the dress is? Maybe it's Bag Lady couture.
You know I wasn't going to include this but rethought it. This highlights the whole problem and tells me that whoever they hired either hates her or is utterly clueless in this field. Joltin' Joe's wife is what leads me to believe this - they should really switch fashion teams.
See, Joe's wife's outfit is many things in comparison to the other. It's a much better, richer color. It's clearly a nicer fabric (looks like linen.) It's got the double buttons and is cut to fit around the waist. By contrast, MO's looks like yet more polyester, in an unflattering, unattractive color, not cut to fit but merely cinched around the waist with an oversized button. Once again the top is too small for her frame and for the rest of the outfit; as can be seen by the proportions of the other woman's jacket. But she's just waiting to take it off and sport her customary sleeveless look anyway.
Maybe Obama likes back, and that's why she flaunts her ass while continuing to wear tops 4 sizes too small with NO SLEEVES AGAIN. In ugly patterns.
Big buttons covered in fabric in patterns oversized for them are not okay.
I suppose they chose the lip colors to match the pink accents, but you don't line the lips of a jutting-lower-jaw-syndrome lady in a color 6 shades darker than the rest of her lips, then spotlight them with gloss. All it does it call attention to her mouth. And that's a bad thing.
The facial expression would suggest that she is pretty resistant to a nice, flowing, classy, non-patterned (i.e. nice color) cover-up. She seems to be wearing the earrings in protest and be suggesting with her eyes that "I'll wear it for now, asshole, but as soon as I can take this shit off and be sleeveless again, I'm DOING IT!"
Happily sleeveless again, someone has put her in nearly flesh-colored pants just to give me a nasty startle. Naturally this is paired/clashed with her signature diaper-shit color, which is why she consented to its being so long. The hair is skinned back for full effect.
"Ok, I'll wear the cover-up, but only if it's sleeveless. Yes, you heard me! A sleeveless cover-up! Get on it! And make the pants and shoes as ugly as possible. Yes, for them too - do it!"
"My color again - you heard me. All right, dammit, but only ONE sleeve. You heard me, ONE! And give me that non-matching double belt; I want my color NOTICED, dammit!"
"All right, I'll wear the nice color but only if it's rayon. Yes, rayon. And give me three strands of oversized black beads, because just minimizing the chest isn't ugly enough."
Guess Obama's grandmother's been busy tatting again. Well, at least it's sleeveless. And she got hold of the ever-important non-matching flower.
Yikes! Puke-yellow overload! Signature color overload! WARNING!
Ok, so why the hell doesn't the hideous skirt match the hideous top? Why would you want clashing baby-shit and puke yellows? Again the top and coverup are too small, but that's apparently standard.
One daughter looks unfortunately like Obama and the other seems to take after her mother. They're both dressed for the community pool.
And grandma's dressed to take them.
I...oy. Caption your own this time; this is exhausting. Besides, you can read her mind by now.
COLOR WARNING! COLOR OVERLOAD WARNING! SYSTEM CAN NOT HANDLE SO MUCH OF THIS COLOR AND WILL SELF-DESTRUCT IN FIVE SECONDS!
Except for the tiny electric blue non-sequitur. Where the hell did THAT come from? Must have been the only available sleeveless top. She pulled that out of the laundry just to fulfill her quota of clashes.
Of course the presidential seal was never MEANT to serve as a basis for choosing fashion colors, but she seems to think that's totally classy.
"OK so if I wear the nice coverup and the semi-flattering pants, what are you gonna give ME? I know, show my hammertoes! Full display, and a hideous top, those are my terms!"
Even Barry seems a bit disturbed at this point.
When wearing a couch slipcover fabric, be sure your toes are again on display. All 16 of them, if we're to judge by this picture.
Well...it's a nicely SHAPED dress, and seems to suit her body type. Which is why it's a hideous color and pattern, and of course SLEEVELESS.
Again with the toes. And how does she decide which clothes to put together? By all appearances, it's entirely random...except if it were random they might match on occasion, so I don't think it's that.
There seems to have been a rule for the women in the audience. Black and drab ONLY allowed. That's so MO could come in with her eye-popping red. Which is of course too tight and too small for her. As are the pants - yikes!
Decent enough outfit. Hence the eye-popping shoes, even if they don't come close to fitting (they're about 4 sizes too big and ready to fall off) and the oversized non-matching bag. Because you have to fill your RDA of ugly SOMEHOW, and she doesn't think her face is sufficient.
See, I told you they're making fun of her. There is no other explanation for allowing someone to appear in public in a top that so utterly clashes with the skirt. Just none.
That didn't stop them from doing it yet again. At first instant glance you don't see it. Then you do, and you can't unsee it.
"Yeah, I'm happy. The dress under this has no sleeves! Victorious!"
"I'm not going to your classy wine party unless I can wear the diaper-shit dress. No, I'm telling you now; it's my color and I'm sticking with it. Wait, it doesn't have sleeves, right?"